Con Air

It has a cast that would rival that of most Best Picture winners. Cage. Malkovich. Rhames. Buscemi. Cusack. But Con Air never professes to be anything more than what it is. There is something so beautifully unapologetic about the movie. Even as it goes so far over-the-top as to be completely absurd and unbelievable (about five minutes in), even as characters deliver one fantastic one-liner after another, no one ever straddles the wrong side of the line, winking at the audience or delving into self-consciousness… the way the people involved in the disaster that was Wild, Wild West did, for instance. Oh, Con Air is cheese. It’s corn, it’s camp, it’s everything else. But it goes down easy.

I love how the backstory is conveyed via a rapid-fire montage prior to the credits (a sort of precursor to The Departed), as though any effort for plot rationalization was in vain, a mere annoyance to be ushered away as soon as humanly possible. I can’t help but chuckle at the sheer terror on the face of little Casey Poe, as she takes a disgusting, wet stuffed bunny retrieved from the streets, before biting her lip and leaning in for the most awkward hug of her young life. I notice the two or three lines inexplicably delivered completely in wooden fashion (look for “the civilian casualties will be enormous” late in the film). And there’s the indefensible southern accent by Nick Cage, rivaling Costner’s Bostonian speak in Thirteen Days.

In any other movie, those moments might be embarrassing missteps. Here, they fit. Completely over the top. Completely nonchalant. And just chock-full of awesome. A firefight in the desert. A crash landing on the Strip. A fire truck chase. Listen, there’s really nothing I can do here, because either you can have fun with it, or you can’t. But how can you not? It’s like Snakes on a Plane, only 10 years prior, and with drama and tension, great dialogue, and far more badass action. It’s entertaining as hell - arguably the best ‘bad’ movie of all time. That’s why it gets my Movie Stamp O’ Approval. But it’s simple. “They somehow managed to get every creep and freak in the universe onto this one plane. And then somehow managed to let them take it over… and then somehow managed to stick us right smack in the middle.” That’s a good time. Welcome to Con Air.

June 30, 2008 | Filed Under MSOA | Leave a Comment 

Thinking Out Loud

I always feel weird wearing shorts. Like I’m either ten years old, or I should be molesting a ten year old. Uh, perhaps “should be” is the wrong phrase to use here…

Inter-generational celebrity lookalikes. Jennifer Love Hewitt, Paige Davis. Christina Applegate, Elizabeth Perkins. Ellen Page, Alex Borstein. Avril Lavigne, Amy Adams.

Watching sports in HD is mind-blowingly orgasmic.

“Who was George Washington Carver?”
“Er, the guy who cut up George Washington.”

Doing laundry every couple of weeks is pretty obnoxious. They need to start making self-cleaning clothes or something.

The two for $4 Western Bacon Cheeseburgers at Carl’s Jr. was arguably the most exciting thing to happen in my life in the past couple of months.

I’m never going to outgrow fireworks.

I’d be a lot more excited about my road trip this summer if I wasn’t going to get figuratively raped by gas stations across the nation. Also, Tom Bodett.

I dislike Kobe, but Shaq really needs to let it go. It’s obnoxious.

Trying to shove a single french fry into your mouth, missing, and getting ketchup over your cheek is hilarious. Also, embarrassing. Even if no one else is around.

I was still young enough - kind of - for Hilary Duff and Lizzie McGuire. But Hannah Montana fever has definitely eluded me. And what the hell are the Jonas Brothers?

Not having a real job (re: student) is pretty awesome.

“We’re whalers on the moon, we carry a harpoon, but there ain’t no whales so we tell tall tales and sing our whaling tunes.”

My Boys is a solid show. Hi, Jordana Spiro.

Moving is such a pain in the ass. Watching someone else move makes me remember how much work it is. Thinking about how I have to move in a couple of years is already wearing thin.

There aren’t enough ’shit blowing up,’ straightforward action movies this summer. Or any at all.*

*Wanted does not count because the idea of curving bullets is stupid.

June 23, 2008 | Filed Under Views | Leave a Comment 

Windows

The defense was porous. The offense came and went. It takes work.

The injuries were critical. The depth: non-existent. A little luck.

They couldn’t close games out. The bench vanished on the road. It comes with experience.

There are the optimistic (perhaps perceptive) hordes - in both fandom and the media alike - that will say that this year was a bonus. That this year will be the beginning of something special. It’s easy to forget that Gasol has been a Laker for all of four months. That Ariza was one for two before he went down. That Farmar finished just his second year. Everybody knows that Bynum lurks. Next year - that was our time. This year? The cherry on top. I’ve been guilty of the thought myself. I suspect I’ll fall on that crutch in the months to come.

Yet, if there’s anything the last four years have shown, it’s the fragility of the whole thing. LeBron supposedly had made the leap. Now where is he? Dallas was two wins away from the title. Two years later, they’re in shambles. Phoenix curses its bad breaks - a hipcheck, an injury or two. They were sent packing, completely out of sorts. For the storied franchise I call my own, it’s back to the cusp. But what if Boozer hadn’t shrunk from the spotlight? If Ginobili wasn’t hobbled? If we had faced Hornets or Suns teams that could have exploited our lack of size or toughness earlier on?

When it comes down to it, championship teams don’t lose by 40 on the road. Championship teams don’t blow 24 point leads. Will this ever become a championship team? There are a ton of factors involved. All I know is, that window of opportunity can be pretty fickle. Dynasties - both real and would-be - fall by the wayside in the blink of an eye. And ‘what might be’ never develops, never becomes anything beyond ‘what might have been.’ Just consider what happened last time. Four years. It seems a lifetime ago.

June 18, 2008 | Filed Under NBA | Leave a Comment 

Blackout

I just spent three hours watching the Angels and Athletics go at it for 12 innings. Chris Bootcheck was on the mound in the bottom half, and - as per his routine this year - got himself into a messy situation. After retiring the first batter, he allowed two to reach (the first Athletics on base since the 7th). He struck out pinch-hitter Emil Brown, but somehow walked Travis Buck, hitting .170, to load the bases. Mark Ellis stepped up to the plate, as they ominously flashed his career numbers off Bootcheck: 5-11. Then, moments before Bootcheck went into his windup, the KCOP feed went out. The screen went dark. I went on the internet, and saw that Ellis had hit the first pitch for a walk-off grand slam. 7-3 Athletics. KCOP remained out. Two minutes later, it finally came back. To a commercial. Then, without so much a note of the game, directly to their regularly scheduled movie. The scene in progress? A kid lying dead in the snow on the sidewalk. “Smilla’s Sense of Snow,” TV Guide tells me. Three hours. You can’t make this stuff up.

June 8, 2008 | Filed Under Television | 1 Comment 

Disney Soundtracks

Top to bottom, Beauty and the Beast boasts the strongest collection of tunes Disney’s ever put out. It’s catchy, it’s touching, and it’s not even close. I adore the character pieces, with the wistful yet bright-eyed small-town tune sung by Belle, and the over-the-top bar chants with Gaston, Maurice, and pals. There’s the incredibly cute Something There, the thrilling and urgent Mob Song, and the simple yet hauntingly effective titular piece. What especially makes it for me with the last is the way Mrs. Potts pronounces neither as “nahy-ther” rather than “nee-ther.” Absolute class.

In terms of singles, however, Part of Your World from The Little Mermaid remains far and away my sentimental favorite. The interspersed monologue Ariel partakes in - “what’s that word again? …oh, street” - perfectly expresses the mixture of innocence and wistfulness. Meanwhile, Toy Story’s Strange Things captures more sadness and confusion than anybody should ever experience, while The Lion King’s I Just Can’t Wait to Be King is pure infectious energy and joy. Taking second behind Ariel’s hopeful ballad, however, is an underrated and overlooked tune from Hercules (but not the Legendary Journeys). With a gospel backdrop accentuating her resistance, Meg embraces the inevitable in the upbeat and insanely catchy I Won’t Say (I’m in Love). Disney just doesn’t make them like it used to.

June 7, 2008 | Filed Under Reviews | Leave a Comment 

On the Line

Five weeks ago, I was on hand to watch the Lakers dispatch the Denver Nuggets in the second game of their divisional series. At the time, a Lakers-Celtics finals matchup was a lifetime away… remaining but one of a multitude of possibilities, nothing more than mere fodder for sports columnists to toss around. It was the best case scenario for the league, of course, but the West was so stacked that it was hard to pencil anybody in - even the number 1 seed. But it was hard to avoid the discussion. And as we went up the escalators at Staples that night, I remember turning to Roger, and telling him that I would kill myself if the Lakers ended up losing to the Celtics in the finals. Now, five weeks later, here we are.

It would have killed me if the Spurs had beaten the Lakers, because of the dynasty discussion and the four-peat that never was. The horrible irony of Robert Horry, Bowen’s dirty play, Duncan’s bulging eyes, and that Frenchie, Tony Parker. It would have killed me if the Pistons had beaten the Lakers, because of 2004. The undeserved ‘Big Shot’ moniker, Richard Hamilton’s mask, the arrogance, and Mason the fuckhead announcer. With the Celtics though, it’s something else. I don’t mean the rivalry, because I was too young for that. Sure, there’s Rondo’s showboating, KG’s ‘intensity,’ and this bullshit where they block baskets after the whistle like a fucking red badge of courage or something. But it’s more than that.

It’s some idiot burying his Red Sox jersey during the construction of the new Yankee Stadium. It’s Bill Belichick leading half his team off the field with a play left in the Super Bowl. It’s the Red Sox beating the Angels in the playoffs every year. Kevin McHale shamelessly shipping KG to his former franchise with three better offers on the table. Jimmy Fallon and Fever Pitch, Boston Rob from Survivor, and Bill Simmons. Of course, it’s the fans - the overbearing, obnoxious, arrogant lot of them. It’s quite enough, really. Enough of Red Sox Nation. Enough of Patriot Nation. Enough of Boston. If the Celtics win, I don’t know what I’m going to do. I really don’t.

June 4, 2008 | Filed Under NBA | Leave a Comment 

All Around

I’m flipping channels (when I’m supposed to be reading, writing, and grading, not necessarily in that order), and I notice the “I’m the king of the world” scene from Titanic. Immediately, however, something seems off. Why? Because a) I see the USA network logo in the corner, and b) the colors appear to be a bit dull. I figure that I’m watching a movie within a movie, as opposed to the actual broadcast (which would be on TBS anyway). Two seconds later, I confirm my suspicions - I’m watching Love Actually. And I’ve come to the conclusion that I’ve watched Love Actually one too many times.

May 29, 2008 | Filed Under My Life | Leave a Comment 

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of Absurdity

Spoilers follow.

It’s been years since I’ve watched anything beyond mere segments of the individual installments, so I don’t profess to know anything about the essence of the Indiana Jones trilogy. Well, except for The Temple of Doom, which for some reason I always seem to catch on cable. But despite the campiness of heart grabbing & face melting, despite the uncomfortable racist caricatures, there’s an obvious pervasiveness of awesomeness to the series, with its thrills and romantic tension and airplane fights and mine cart chases and so forth. It’s just a kind of unbridled joy and charm that have inspired and - at the risk of blasphemy to those with better and fonder memories - undergirded more recent action-adventure epics such as The Mummy and National Treasure.

The problem is that The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull resembles The Mummy Returns, down to the annoying offspring and the awful special effects. The great parts of the pivotal chase through the jungle are overshadowed by the ridiculous sword fight taking place across two cars, not to mention the “is this for real” vine-swinging climax involving CG monkeys. Easing off the cliff, dodging bullets point-blank, and the waterfall drops all stick out like sore thumbs. Meanwhile, Mutt Williams is your standard rebel with something to prove straight out of a made-for-television movie, creepily aggravated when his mother shows any affection towards our titular hero. As with the second National Treasure, there are simply too many protagonists, with essentially no danger for any of them - and no tension for us - as we barrel towards the movie’s conclusion.

In a better movie, it would be easy to overlook the aforementioned nitpicks, the gophers and bouncing refrigerators and everything else. But Crystal Skull is a movie about mind-reading and brainwashing and aliens… fucking aliens. I understand the draw of that mythology, the mystery surrounding the history, and everything else, but it is fundamentally jarring to see scenes more suited for The X-Files or Alien vs. Predator than in a period piece about a professor and archaeologist. You either buy it or you don’t, and I couldn’t. Between the spaceships and the atomic bomb and everything else, this felt like Indiana Jones MEETS the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, in the vein of those fish-out-of-water Abbott and Costello comedies. I wouldn’t label it a terrible movie - it has its moments early - but an ridiculously awkward one, and at times an embarrassing and retarded one. 19 years, and this is the best they could do?

May 24, 2008 | Filed Under Movies, Reviews | Leave a Comment 

Worlds Collide

The fragility of the dynasty has been well-documented, both on and off the court. A Game 7 meltdown for the ages. A fortuitous bounce towards #5. Controversy in an elimination Game 6. And plenty of Todd MacCulloch in the Finals. Yet, there was no uncertainty regarding the status of those Laker teams from 2000-2002. Three championships - that’s a dynasty. 100+ games year after year, playing deep into the heart of June, a full month or two more than everybody else. And from November through June, those Laker teams faced the best that everybody in the league had to offer. Sure, they had to be lucky, but they also had to be good.

It eats at me when people point to the Spurs as some kind of dynasty. Four in nine years - an impressive streak to be sure. But it’s a different type of accomplishment altogether. It doesn’t reflect that same continuity, that same endurance and perseverance. There’s a reason why the 1990s Bulls are the only other team in the past 40 years to have won three in a row. Great teams deal with the injuries. With the grind. With the burden of being champions. The Spurs haven’t defended a title successfully, not once. Of course, there shouldn’t even be a debate. Were it but for a dose of maturity, selflessness, and wiser personnel moves, three could have been five or six, and the 2003 title the Spurs won would have been a blip on the radar, an anomaly overshadowed by a decade of purple and gold.

It’s been six years since that third ring, four years since we’ve gone this far. It’s been a lifetime. Kobe, Fish, and Phil are still here, but everything else is different. They’ve changed as well. Yet, there’s a certain poetry here. If the Lakers move on, they would play Boston or Detroit. A throwback to the glory days of the franchise, or a role-reversal with the team that stomped the last gasps of the dynasty four years ago. Of course, that’s down the line. Right here, right now, in the 2008 Western Conference Finals, the Spurs lurk. Looking to defend their title. To further cement their place in history. Four in nine is a lot different from five in ten, from three of the last four. That’s a true dynasty. The Lakers stand in their way. I wouldn’t have it any other way. Because to be the Man, you have to beat the man.

May 20, 2008 | Filed Under NBA | 1 Comment 

Five Years Later

There’s a great Seinfeld episode where Jerry, under the duress of a lie detector test, succumbs and admits to being an avid watcher of Melrose Place. He tries to play it cool at first, but reaches a breaking point, snapping when confronted with a question about one of the show’s characters. “Yes! That stupid idiot! He left her for Kimberly, he slept with her sister. He tricked her into giving him half her business, and then she goes ahead and sleeps with him again. I mean she’s crazy. How could she do something like that? Oh that Jane, she makes me so mad!” By the end of his diatribe, he’s up in arms, completely out of the moment and unworried about embarrassment, storming out of the police station, and lost in his show.

It didn’t work for Married… with Children when they tried to make Seven an integral part of the family seven years in. I lost faith the moment 24 retroactively made Graem a Bauer - and Jack’s brother - in Season 6. The smoke monster that was full of nano-bugs and somehow projected bibliographic images at characters? Okay, so I stopped watching Lost ages ago. But there’s a reason why most game-changers don’t work on television shows. There’s no buildup. No foundation, no meticulous preparation. Everything essentially resets, and the characters you’ve invested so much into… well, they’re no longer the same. Basically, at that moment, you’re asked to make a leap of faith.

In the last two minutes of this Season 4’s finale, Desperate Housewives went ahead and changed the game on us. Borrowing from the narrative tricks of their ABC brethren, they flash-forwarded five years into the future of Wysteria Lane, where it looks to settle in Season 5 and beyond. It worked with some characters. Gaby, in particular, no longer the vapid one-note egocentric materialist, meeting her match in the guise of motherhood. Bree, with Orson once again - presumably in and out of jail, rendering the jump necessary for practicality. But what of Katherine, her storyline completely resolved mere minutes ago, the newfound extraneousness of her situation made especially apparent with the forced conversation with Dylan? And Lynette and Tom, dealing with problematic teenagers played by unseen actors, different from the ones we’ve seen grow up the past four years?

Yet, what will linger through the summer will be the five second tease with Susan Mayer that concluded the finale, a move undoubtedly intended by the producers, yet not any the less offensive for it. In those five seconds, the longstanding relationship between Susan and Mike was definitively ended, the status of their baby in limbo. Three years of on-again off-again drama, followed by a seeming happily ever after with its own set of obstacles and challenges, packed with cute exchanges, touching moments, and redemption and growth… all down the drain. Imagine if The Office entered a time warp in its season finale, and Pam was married to someone who wasn’t Jim. Desperate Housewives provided a hell of a cliffhanger, but I can’t make the leap they’re asking for right now. I’m telling you, those flashbacks better be damned good next year.

May 19, 2008 | Filed Under Television | Leave a Comment 

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